The Healthy Twig

I am not counting my calories, but I’m pretty good at portion sizing. I basically eat:

• 3 meals, dinner sometimes split up into two different small meals 
• each with as much veggies as I want, especially leafy greens 
• eating mainly plant based foods close to their raw state: veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, beans, whole grains 
• around 3-4 pieces/ servings of fruit throughout the whole day
• a serving of protein with each meal 
• no more than 2.5 servings of flour products like pasta or bread (for digestive purposes) 

You can’t go wrong with that. It is basically how I ate last summer, only I don’t sweat on calories too much, but it’s around 400-500c per meal I’d say. 

No stress makes eating healthy so easy for me.

Alright, so…

 I’m at peace with my body and am calm mentally. I know that this isn’t mandatory, it’s a choice. I acknowledge my accomplishment this year, which is that I am 5lbs lighter then last year, with muscle gain. My problems that keep me from my goal are not lack of discipline with food and exercise, but stress and anxiety related. I also have huge problems with my perception of myself both physically and mentally, resulting in unrealistic insecurities, which results in more stress. With this in mind I also acknowledge that I have become more brave, and am pushing myself to be more independent, because I feel this will help me with my self esteem. In addition to this, I am simply saying no to a victim mentality. I am not a victim because I am in control of my life, and in order to be happy I must not be a victim. Shit happens and you have to try hard to make the best of the situation. I am stronger, calmer, more at peace with myself, and have more confidence in my abilities then last summer, and I plan to continue to further these improvements along. I have also noticed that I am getting better with dealing with my days of depression. It’s not easy, but I notice an improvement. 

What I learned from last summer is 1200c per day isn’t enough and I will now be aiming closer to 1400c per day. I also know that even though counting calories was a good learning experience, I need to start working towards intuitive eating. I’m also thinking of trying to have a vegan diet. But for now, approximately 1400c a day, clean eating.  

In terms of exercise I need to do at least 10 minutes of cardio everyday, that’s my starter goal for now. I find 15-20 minutes of jump rope makes a difference, but I haven’t been doing cardio consistently so I’ll start at 10 minutes with muscle training. 

No rush, but don’t shy away from ambitious actions. 

CW: 118lb 

UGW: 110lb 

This has been rustling over in my head, and my negative thoughts have been using this as material to tell me I’m incapable of change. But this I argue back with this:

*I look at a year with in the time span of a school year, April to April is a year 

• Highest Weight: 10/11: 125lbs vs 11/12: 120lbs
• Lowest Weight: 10/11: 115lbs vs 11/12: 112lbs
• Most Common Weight: 10/11: 120lbs vs. 11/12: 116lbs

Right there it is the sign that overall on average I weigh 5lbs less than last school year. I’m in the last 10lbs range, which is the hardest to come off. I am good with my eating habits, I think my weak spots are working out as much as I should, and not drinking 2 litres of water. 

So take that negative thoughts. I’m stilling beating you. 

Today (05.10.12) has been a good day, in fact the last few days have been all right. It’s always amazing how I can fall into such a dark place then have a perfectly wonderful few days. It has everything to do with my actions. I get depressed when I don’t do what I want myself to do, but I’m beginning to become aware that. I a) in moments of anxiety, need to take a minute to give myself and pep talk and single out what I need to do in order to be at peace with myself and b) when I get depressed and unmotivated to continue to work hard, because I will appreciate it when my brain levels out. The key is to always work hard, to use my intelligence, and to never give up. I am persistent and I love that about myself. I’m going to acquire everything I’ve ever wanted, you just wait.  

I got to see one of my best friends today. Her name is Jasmine, and she is one of the most beautiful people I know. She is the combination of a hippie and an intellectual. It was a much needed day. She cleansed my mind, and shared her herb with me— which also helped. 

I’m in a good place as of to right now, and I’m grateful for it.  

Last Friday I was 120lb, this week I’m 119lb. 

I feel like I actually look like I’m 117lbs, maybe muscles is adding that extra 2lbs, idk? I’ll weigh myself tomorrow as well. 

My body looks magnificent this morning. I am definitely going to continue to  workout these muscles. I would have no problem walking around in my bathing suit all day. 

My self image is so ridiculously bad right now— wow. Why does this always have to happen? 

I weighed myself this morning and it was 120lbs on the dot. I don’t think it’s a good indication of my weight since I’m on shark week. I’ll weigh myself again next Friday. 

Today was good. It was a good balance of relaxing and working— given that  this is my first week of summer, there was a bit more relaxing. I started painting my room, which was nice. It’s good to see I’m eager to get things done.

Also, I did a full body workout. I’m really proud of myself, I feel like I really stepped up—I was sweating like a pig. I think it’s fair criticism for myself to say that I don’t push myself enough, which was ok when I was recovering from my depression and anxiety. During that time I didn’t get anything done, I had no motivation what-so-ever. The next step from there, when I was coming out of that dark plague was getting things done, even if they were mediocre— which was a big deal for me because I’m a perfectionist. It’s been long enough now, where I’ve gained back my confidence, I’ve proven to myself that I have the skills to fulfil my goals, and now it’s time I start giving it my all. 

A big goal for myself this summer is to straight out work hard, and realize how bad I want things because when you want something you will make it happen. Take matters into your own hands, make things happen.  

Don’t let the anxiety make it more complicated. 

I swear the only people I care for is my boyfriend, brother, and best friends. These days my parents stress me out, and I blame it on them personally, I don’t put effort into my relationship with my grandparents, and I feel like I have to put a lot of effort into being nice to people. I just feel I am so negative. I’m use to be in such a positive mood all the time, where I always looked at the bright side. My dad use to compliment me on how I never got mad or grumpy. How is it at the tender age of 21 that I feel so bitter towards life?

But I know why, it’s because I was a dreamer and didn’t have a real understanding for what life is really like. While in the process of figuring that out, my parents have been unsupportive emotionally. Their way of getting me to change is to yell at me, call me names, tell me I’m going to fail if I don’t do it their way. I’ve let people push me around. My ex-boyfriend was depressed, irresponsible, with a brain wired with diluted logic— that I let myself get sucked into. Not to mention a narcissistic ex-best friend who use to route for my unhappiness and misfortune, who would manipulate stories, and tell lies that benefited her— typically working against me. Lyrics from a Mumford And Son’s song come to mind, “If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won”. Only, my enemy became bigger then my empathy and I did something about it, I took my fucking life back.

It’s all in the past now, I’m on the right path, I got rid of those negative forces, and brought into my life the things I’ve wanted for so long (*rawr)— but sometimes I fear I will never be as positive and up beat as I once was. It was effortless to be at peace with the world. There was a time when I didn’t have to fear late night anxiety attacks, and though, it has been amusing for having something to write about, it has lowered my quality of wellness. I lost something of myself in that depression, that I haven’t fully gained back. But, bit by bit, I feel my ambition coming into full gear, different, but just as powerful. 

I want to be a good person, and I want to be warm to people. I want to stop gossiping, and negative thoughts. I want to be known for being a caring person, and a loyal person. That is my choice that I am making. 

Change is possible.

And I’m actually tired, even though it’s only 12am. Yays me! 

Haha fuck you world. I’m not your victim. I’m not your typical consumer, or some mindless being that you can tame. I am good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, strong enough, and yes I am definitely talented enough.   

Fuck all these anxiety attacks that keep me up all fucking night, and this demon in my brain that tells me how terrible at life. Guess what— I’ve stood against these obstacles— and I’m going to keep getting better at it. Until they can’t take the rejection any more and fucking leave my brain. 

I will continue to work hard and out think you. 

Good night, my victim— you’re going to need your rest. 

Yays!